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You may have heard that the Supreme Court finally arrived at a decision in the case of Masterpiece Cakeshop v. Colorado Civil Rights Commission - finding in favor of the bakery, who claimed their religious beliefs gave them the right to refuse to make a wedding cake for a gay couple. The law has been laid down and that's that for the moment - but to those who might be upset or insulted by this legal decision, here are 4 reasons those homophobic bakers can shove those shitty cakes up their asses:

1. WEDDING CAKE SUCKS

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Here's a hot tip from someone who's been there: WEDDING CAKE SUCKS. Oh boy, nothing like paying several hundred dollars for some weird cake with like lemon cake and way too much buttermilk frosting with random chunks of cherry and nuts inside. The only thing that could make that better? Everyone having to wait for like 20 minutes because they can't pre-cut the cake because there's some stupid ritual where the couple smashes cake in each other's face, for some reason.

The deal with wedding cake is this: it costs way way too much, no one wants to be walking around with an additional plate of cake after they've already filled up on food and alcohol, and it never gets served until the dancing's started (so your options are - a. Have fun on the dance floor, or b. Eat some cake that is 90% frosting because you can't eat cake AND dance at the same time).



2. THERE ARE BETTER OPTIONS

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You know what's a better option than wedding cake? PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING. Cupcakes? Absolutely - less mess, less waiting, and way more portable. Rice Krispie treats? Oh hell yeah. Everyone loves RKTs. I would shove my own child into a bog to get at some RKTs. Donuts? Mother of god who wouldn't love a donut?!

Why would you go with the most boring, least enticing, most basic dessert option imaginable?




3. MASTERPIECE CAKES SUCK PRETTY HARD, ACCORDING TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN THERE

4 Reasons Those Homophobic Bakers Can Keep Their Crappy Wedding Cakes

via Yelp

Okay, I'll admit - the Yelp review page for this place MIGHT NOT BE the best way to judge it, as its review section is filled with nothing but people who are trying to be extremely political online at the moment, either against or in favor of Masterpiece Bakery. So there are lots of 5-star "THIS PLACE IS AWESOME, SUCK IT LIBS!!!" and a lot of 1-star "NAZI BAKERY FUCKS" style reviews, which aren't too helpful in actually gauging the quality of the cakes offered here. But if you dig into the older reviews, before the lawsuit, you find a pattern: their cakes suck.

Namely, they're dry, tasteless, and they TRY TO POISON YOU (okay that one may not be intentional, but still):

So even if you DID want to have a traditional wedding cake, they wouldn't (and shouldn't) be the place you go.



4. THEIR 'RELIGIOUS BELIEFS' EXCUSE IS HORSESHIT

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Of course, the whole deal with this court case was that the proprietors of Masterpiece Bakery felt creating a wedding cake for a gay couple would be in violation of their Christian beliefs. Obviously, discriminating against a couple based on their sexuality is grotesque, inhuman, and flat-out discriminatory - but it also doesn't even make sense if you took them at their word, because the Bible doesn't ACTUALLY say anything about gay people, let alone gay marriage.

For sure, you can find some offhand negative references to same-sex people engaged in intimacy, but it's never made explicit (the modern conception of sexuality didn't even really exist back then) and the idea of "marriage" in Biblical times was so wildly different, it's impossible to draw parallels. The purpose of marriage then wasn't a partnership based on love and companionship - it was mostly a guy owning a woman and her popping out babies for him. Women were inferior beings at best, and outright property at worst. There would be no reason for two men or two women to be wed, so of course the Bible doesn't comment on it.

You know what the Bible DOES comment on, though? GLUTTONY.

Proverbs 23:2 says:

". . . put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony."

You know what's pretty gluttonous? Wedding cakes. It's nothing but tons of sugar, empty carbs, and fat. There's nothing even mildly nutritious about it - it's pure gluttony. So if they are REALLY committed to sticking to every single minor reference in the Bible, they should STOP SELLING DESSERTS ENTIRELY.