BY STEPHEN MILLER
Are you people happy with yourselves? Are you? Oh, you felt SO BAD for those poor helpless children, locked away in cages, taken away from their parents, with no idea of when or even if they would ever be reunited. You sobbed and protested and wrote heartfelt social media posts and donated to various causes. And now you have what you wanted - the Trump administration's policy of family separation has been done away with.
No more baby prisons. Which means that there's nothing to stop the Boss Baby.
Do you even realize what you've done?! Can you even begin to fathom the consequences of your actions? Unless you personally plan on enacting a plan to thwart the Boss Baby, you've endangered us all. And given your faint-hearted response to our genius baby prisons idea, I doubt you have the stomach to end the Boss Baby's schemes.
The Boss Baby is not one to be trifled with - he is a wily creature, intelligent beyond measure, and with a secret Forever Formula that affords him the maturity and wit of Alec Baldwin. And - most problematic of all - he could be anywhere around us. Any baby you see on the street could be the Boss Baby in disguise, lying in wait, praying for us to let our guard down for just a moment. And when the time is right, the Boss Baby will strike. And now, thanks to you, we will be woefully unprepared.
I know how the Boss Baby thinks. After all - we have the exact same hairline:
What did you think this was all about anyways? The Muslim travel ban, the support for white supremacists, the anti-LGBTQ measures, and the aggressively cruel new policies towards undocumented immigrants? Did you think we were just enacting sick, racist, xenophobic, nationalistic, evil measures to appeal to a racist, resentful voter base in lieu of policies that would actually make their lives better? Did you REALLY think that's what it was all about?
No, you ill-informed FOOLS - we were trying to distract the public while we focused on the true goal: capture the Boss Baby and end his reign of terror once and for all. We needed to sow chaos and disorder, to keep the public occupied with other issues, all while we pursued the only end worth fighting for - protecting America from Baby Co. (the organization which the Boss Baby works for).
The Boss Baby aims to control all the love in the world, and keep it reserved for babies. They want the market for love cornered - away from puppies or friends or relatives, all going towards the babies. Viewing love as a finite resource is a warped way to view the world - but that's the way the Boss Baby and his twisted cohorts want things.
And we were so close to stopping them. To capturing the Boss Baby and detaining him in our new baby prison, where he would be unable to escape. A new age was about to dawn in this country.
An age free from tyranny.
An age with endless potential for hope and prosperity.
An age without...The Boss Baby.
But no more. America is more vulnerable than it's ever been. I hope you find a way to sleep at night with this on your conscience. I, for one, will not be sleeping - as I will not REST until the Boss Baby is neutralized once and for all.
You may have won the battle, Boss Baby - but I will win the war.
PS - for those of you who respond with the pathetic reply, "But the Boss Baby is nothing more than CGI cartoon for children!", let me ask you this - if cartoons are all fake and wrong, then why do I look SO MUCH like MegaMind?