Last week brought us The Incredibles 2 - and plenty of questions! This week's big blockbuster is the follow-up to 2015's smash-hit, Jurassic World - Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom! And guess what? Lots of things didn't make sense in this one!
1. Doesn't this premise seem a LITTLE TOO familiar?
Doesn't it feel like we've seen this exact plotline before pretty recently? It's the same pretty faces walking into OBVIOUS danger and following the same "thrilling" plot beats. Honestly, it feels like I saw this last week. I know people joke about Hollywood being out of ideas, but c'mon - this is getting ridiculous. Maybe it's not as bad for a younger audience (like my son Chaxler, who accompanied me to the film) since they're less familiar with the previous entries, but these aren't labeled "kids movies", so I'm not buying that excuse.
2. Why are all of the characters so CALM about going back to the OBVIOUS DANGER PLACE, where everyone in the audience knows things will end badly?
One of the biggest criticisms I have of the "Jurassic" franchise is how WILLINGLY characters will march towards places they know to be insanely dangerous and certain to bring about the deaths of at least a few characters. At some point, we as an audience need to say "Enough of that! Just make some characters make the more rational choice to NOT go to the place where they're guaranteed to die." I know that would be a lot less thrilling, but by the 5th movie, it's getting a little hard to believe.
3. The horror elements seem like a pretty big departure from the rest of the franchise
One of the big things Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom was sold on was the idea it would have more "horror" elements than the previous entries - and I gotta say, they definitely went there. The stuff that goes down in that house is absolutely horrifying, and sure to give my son Chaxler some nightmares for days to come.
4. Wow, Chris Pratt has NOT aged well...
Everyone was SWOONING over how hot and jacked Chris Pratt looked back in 2014/2015 - but only a few years later, and he's not looking NEARLY as dreamy as he once did. Hell, the dude looks like he's in his late-60s...
5. When the daughter gets...OH SHIT I SAW HEREDITARY AGAIN FUCK
GODDAMMIT I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG WHEN NO DINOSAURS EVER SHOWED UP
6. Why did I walk into Hereditary AGAIN???
Uggggh this is the 2nd week in a row I've done this. Man, I really gotta get better about figuring out which theater I'm being directed to. Maybe I flipped my ticket upside down and misread 6 as 9? Not trying to make excuses, I swear.
7. How am I only now figuring out that that tense, dread-filled supernatural horror film WASN'T a sequel to Jurassic World???
Here's something that shoulda tipped me off - NO DINOSAURS. Man, this is all starting to make so much more sense now. I wonder if something might be wrong with my brain???
8. Why was I ignoring my son Chaxler as he screamed "DADDY THIS IS HEREDITARY THE SIGN OUTSIDE SAYS HEREDITARY"????
Okay, I'll be the first to admit I shouldn't have shushed Chaxler so firmly and strapped him into his theater seat with some loose twine I had on me, but it really seemed like the right move at the time (FYI I have loose twine on me at all times now that Chaxler has some form of PTSD from seeing Hereditary last week and keeps going catatonic when sitting in chairs and it helps him from fainting and cracking his skull open)
9. How much longer is Hereditary in theaters for? I'd really like to just avoid going to movies for a while until I'm 100% certain it's out of theaters, just in case.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well, honestly, they didn't even TRY to fool me that first time, that was just me being dumb. But the fact it's happened TWICE now is more than a little concerning. Honestly, the odds of it happening a THIRD time seem pretty decent, so maybe I just won't go to the movies for a few weeks and wait for Hereditary to run its course before risking it again.
10. Actually I do have some questions about Hereditary. Question number one, WHAT THE FUCK???
GODDAMN THAT ENDING DOES NOT GET ANY EASIER THE SECOND TIME, WHAT THE FUCKKKKKK
Also, if anyone can recommend a good therapist for an 8 year old who has been forced to sit through Hereditary two weeks in a row while being inadvertently gaslit by his parent that he's actually watching a family friendly blockbuster, please leave a comment and don't report me to Child Protective Services. Thanks.