gaston beauty and the beast

Disney

Listen - it's not that I don't appreciate the business this guy gives me. I'm the envy of nearly every provincial egg merchant around - I sell 60 eggs to one customer EVERY SINGLE DAY. That's good solid business. If Gaston were my ONLY customer, I would still be doing pretty well for myself. I've managed to build a solid business and life based on his patronage alone.

But holy shit this dude is gonna DIE.

I kinda assumed he was just a really generous guy and making big breakfasts for all of his buddies in town and those three hot triplets who follow him around and try to get married to him all the time. I mean, that would make SENSE, right? Who buys 60 eggs a day FOR THEMSELF? As it turns out, Gaston. No one defies dietary guidelines like him.

First off, that's WAY too many calories. Dude is consuming something around DOUBLE the recommended caloric intake at BREAKFAST ALONE. But dude is sporting a pretty jacked physique, and maintaining that requires a lot of calories, I guess. Seems excessive, but I guess it might make sense. But what makes less sense is the amount of cholesterol our boy Gaston is taking in.

Let's do some quick math - there's AROUND 180mg of cholesterol in each egg. Gaston eats "five dozen eggs" each day (again, to help him maintain his physique of being "roughly the size of a barge"), which doesn't SOUND that bad until you realize that's 60 goddamn eggs a day. Anyways, that means he's consuming 10,800mg of cholesterol each day from EGGS ALONE. That's assuming he eats nothing else for the rest of the day, which I can promise you is not the case. You know how much cholesterol per day doctors recommend? 300. 300mg. That means he's eating 36 TIMES the recommended amount. The fact that he's still breathing is honestly a miracle. His heart should have exploded a thousand times over by now.

Also, he's eating the shells...which isn't necessarily THAT BAD, but is certainly weird.

gaston beauty and the beast

Disney

And, from what I hear, apparently he's always been this way. I heard from townspeople who knew Gaston as a lad that he used to eat FOUR dozen eggs to help him "grow large." That's still like 8,600mg, or 8,300mg more than doctors would want. How is it that he went from lad to adult and only added 12 eggs to his routine? He was eating PRACTICALLY THE SAME insanely huge number of eggs when he was like half his current size. How this kid survived childhood and grew into an insanely strong guy who hadn't had fifty strokes a day is mind-boggling. You'd think we lived in an area plagued by a supernatural sorceress or something!

It's not like the absolutely insane diet hasn't had SOME effect on Gaston, though. There's a reason he doesn't look ANYTHING like ANYONE ELSE in this entire town. The rest of us around roundish, soft-looking, large-nosed, cartoonish people with exaggerated features.

gaston beauty and the beast eating too many eggs

Disney

gaston beauty and the beast

Disney

gaston beauty and the beast eating too many eggs

Disney

gaston beauty and the beast eating too many eggs

Disney

Meanwhile, look at Gaston - visible jawline, proportional features, defined cheekbones...the dude is FREAKISH:

gaston beauty and the beast eating too many eggs

Disney

If you can come up with a reason for this MASSIVE difference other than "this dude basically commits chicken genocide every morning", I'd like to hear it.

Hell, health concerns aside, who doesn't get sick of eggs after TWO eggs? Dude is really choking down 60 eggs every goddamn day and not getting immediately sick of it? I don't care how much you fancy it up by making omelettes or scrambled or over easy - that's 60 goddamn eggs. THAT IS SIMPLY TOO MANY EGGS. That's honestly too many ANYTHING. But especially eggs. Yuck.

Anyways, just thought I should say something, so when this dude just explodes one day and has a billion strokes, loses his mind, and tries to storm a castle guarded by supernatural living furniture or whatever, no one can say I didn't warn him.

....gonna be a huge bummer to my business whenever he DOES go, though. Unless, of course, that occurs simultaneously with a huge new client showing up, like a long-forgotten prince who has a huge staff to feed on a daily basis or something (who previously didn't require food due to a metaphysical transformation by a sorceress). Not very good odds of THAT happening though.